


Ampersand

by kyeopen



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Book Signing, Books, Fluff, Interviews, M/M, Trench is a book, Writer! Tyler, Writer's Block, joshler - Freeform, trench
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-09-13 04:32:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16885674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyeopen/pseuds/kyeopen
Summary: ‘I know what you need! About your writer’s block.’ Mark specifies, although he doesn’t have to, Tyler is well aware of what he’s talking about. ‘What you need, my friend, is to find someone.’‘To find someone?’ Tyler repeats, confused.‘Yes.’ Mark affirms. ‘You need to find someone. You need a boyfriend, a hook-up, a one night stand, anything. You need to get laid.’





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [olgushka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/olgushka/gifts).



> For Olga. 
> 
> These past few weeks/months have been hard and you've been there for me every step of the way.  
> Thank you for always taking the time to make me laugh.  
> I love you tons ♥

Tyler is a writer. A good one, that is. Or at least it’s what everyone around him seems to think. He himself is not so sure about it. He just has a lot to say, and writing books was the easy way to do it. He writes what he thinks. He writes what he fears, what he hopes for, what he regrets. He writes every little thing going on in his head. But more especially, he writes to try and get better. He’s always seen his brain as a sort of battlefield. He’s at war. He’s at war with his emotions, with his thoughts, his mind, and writing has always made it easier for him to clear his head, to ease his pain.

 _T_ _ake_ _your pain. And make it art_. That’s what the school therapist has said to him when he was still a kid. It’s also what made him into writing in the first place, and it’s what made him turned down this basketball scholarship too. His parents weren’t so thrilled about that, at first.

_You just turned down a one life time opportunity_

_You won’t get anywhere by writing books._

_Writer is not a real job. It’s a hobby._

That’s what they kept repeating him for a month. But it didn’t discourage him. Quite the contrary. Tyler has always been quite the competitive person and to him, this was just another challenge to overcome. And after quite a lot of unfinished works, and just as many failures, his efforts did pay off.

His third book, ‘Isle of flightless birds’ was a hit. He still doesn’t really remember how he got there sometimes. He remembers the interviews, he remembers the awards celebrations, the book signings and the anxiety that comes along. He remember a lot of things, but he doesn’t remember _becoming famous,_ per se. The act of being recognized in the streets, getting his picture taken without his consent, receiving all those comments online, both on his official website or on the social medias, all of those things are overwhelming and he still doesn’t quite understand all of it. He’s still scared, sometimes.

He tries to go along with it. He tries to take it one day at a time. And usually it works. But right now, it doesn’t. It’s been days – months, even – that Tyler is sitting at his desk, staring at his empty word document. But he’s a writer. Words is what he does for a living. Words are supposed to be simple. But lately, that’s just not the case. He feels like this white page is staring back at him, judging him.

Writer’s block is a thing he’s well aware of. He even experiences it a few times, but never for that long. He’s already well behind deadline and his publisher seems to find pleasure in reminding him several times during the week. His fans are getting impatient too, which he can understand, but both of their expectations only add additional pressure on his shoulders.

That’s why he decides to call his friend Mark. This one usually always finds a way to help him with his writer’s blocks. And Tyler does hope that this time won’t be any different.

‘What’s up, dude?’ Mark says, picking up instantly. ‘Sill holing yourself up in your apartment?’

‘Mark, I don’t know what’s happening to me. It’s like I don’t even remember how to write.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I don’t know, it’s probably just a writer’s block and I’mprobably overreacting but I don’t know how to deal with it, man. I’m so far behind the deadline and it’s… It’s freaking me out. Every single time I open my word document, I just… I just end up staring at it for hours. Sometimes, I write a bit and I delete everything a few minutes later. Words just don’t come to me anymore, Mark. I’m stuck.’

‘Alright.’ Mark answers, his voice still. ‘Alright, Tyler. First, you need to take a break. For how long have you been staring at your computer?’

‘I don’t know. I mean I’ve been trying to write something ever since I woke up. At 9.’

‘Dude, it’s almost 6pm.’

‘Is it, already?’ Tyler asks, dumbfounded.

‘Have you eaten anything already?’

‘Not really?’

‘You need to eat, man.’ Mark says. ‘You need to take a break. Get out of your apartment for a while. Take some fresh air. Wander around the city, I don’t know, but you need to stop. It doesn’t do you any good. You need to relax, take some time for yourself. Words will come.’

‘But what if they don’t? They’re always behind my back, telling me to hurry and-’

‘Screw them, alright?’ Mark cuts him off. ‘Your book will come out when it will come out.’

‘Okay.’ Tyler answers. ‘You’re right. I guess.’

‘I can hear you’re still not completely convinced so I’m coming over.’

‘No Mark, you don’t need to, the apartment is a mess and-’

‘Tyler, it’s always a mess. I’m used to it. Close your computer. Take a shower. I’ll be there in half an hour, let me get my stuff and order some food first. I’ll think of something to help you with your writer’s block on the way to your flat.’

‘Alright.’ Tyler eventually agrees. ‘See you there.’

 

* * *

 

‘I know what you need!’ Mark tells him a few days later over the phone. His book isn’t going anywhere and Tyler has been trying to focus more on his health, taking long baths, eating balanced meals, and going out for runs. His writing has reached a standstill but Tyler tries not to worry about it too much.

‘About your writer’s block.’ Mark specifies, although he doesn’t have to, Tyler is well aware of what he’s talking about. ‘What you need, my friend, is to find someone.’

‘To find someone?’ Tyler repeats, confused.

‘Yes.’ Mark affirms. ‘You need to find someone. You need a boyfriend, a hook-up, a one night stand, anything. You need to get laid.’

‘Mark, dude, come on, this is serious.’ Tyler says, sighing.

‘I know! I am serious!’ He insists.

‘Oh really? Then enlighten me, cause I don’t see how having sex can help me write a fucking book.’

‘Listen, there’s this study… Some experts have shown that having great sex can actually boost your creativity.’

‘This is so freaking stu-’

‘Dude, no. You’ve been single ever since this asshole dumped you and I just think you should go out there and start dating again. It could be good for you.’

‘I… I don’t need anyone, Mark. I’m just fine on my own.’

‘But are you?’

‘I am.’ Tyler says, although he and Mark both know he’s lying. He’s lonely. That’s the truth. He misses having someone around to talk to, someone he can trust. Ever since his last partner dumped him for someone else he has been seeing while still in relationship with him, Tyler suffers a blow to his self-esteem. ‘I can be happy while staying single.’ Tyler adds.

‘I know you can.’ Mark says. ‘I’m just saying. It could do you some good.’

‘How would I… If I do agree to try this stupid idea. How would I do that?

‘Dating apps?’

‘No way. I don’t want people to recognize me.’

‘Nightclubs?’

‘We both know I hate crowd and I’ll probably end up having a freaking panic attack.’

‘Well, in that case, I…There’s this guy I know. He’s nice. I met him at the gym. And ever since I did, I… I can’t stop thinking about the fact that you would get along very well.’

‘Okay.’ Tyler says, still unsure. ‘What’s he like?’

‘He’s kind. Kindest person I’ve ever met. For real. He’s very passionate about music, cats, and alien conspiracies.’ Mark says, and Tyler lets out a small laugh at this. ‘I think you’d like him. I wanted you to meet him, anyway. It doesn’t have to be a date, you know. I could be there, if that makes you feel any better. You both could come in my flat.’

‘Yeah… I guess it doesn’t sound like a terrible idea. Don’t tell him about it, though. I would feel weird.’

‘I’ve already talked about you, just saying I think you two could hit it off. He doesn’t know anything about you or the books you write, by the way.’

‘That’s a good point.’

‘So it’s a deal, then?’

‘Well as long as you’re not being awkward about it, and that’s it’s just a… A casual encounter, which doesn’t necessarily lead to anything serious, then… I guess I am. I’m in.’

‘Sweet! He was supposed to go to my place on Friday night? Does it sound good to you?’

‘Yeah. I can’t write anything anyway so… I’m free as a bird.’ Tyler answers. ‘Oh and before you hang up, one more question. What’s his name?’

‘Josh!’ Mark answers. ‘His name is Josh.’

 

***

 

It’s already Friday evening and Tyler is standing in front of his wardrobe, in deep concentration. Mark has told him a few times already that it would just be a casual thing, and that they’ll more likely end up eating pizzas and watching Netflix, but he still finds himself unable to take the smallest decision.

For a few seconds, he considers calling Mark to cancel and tell him he got sick, but he knows all too well that his best-friend wouldn’t take no for as an answer. He sighs and puts on a black jumper and some trousers before getting out of his apartment. It’s December and the sky is already dark. It’s cold too, and Tyler instantly regrets not putting on his fleece jacket. Luckily, it’s only a ten minutes walk and Tyler is soon climbing the stairs that will lead them to Mark’s apartment. He can already hear two different tones of voice and he knows this Josh is probably already there.

He takes a deep breathe and he’s about to knock on the door when he realizes that it’s Mark’s flat and that he never bothers warning his friend of his arrival. He then slowly opens the door and smiles when two pair of eyes look up at him.

‘Hey.’ Mark says, from the couch, while the other guy stands up and holds out his hand to him.

‘Hi, I’m Josh. You’re Tyler, right?’

‘Y-yeah. That’s… That’s me.’ He says, and really, he wishes he would have spoken with a more steady voice but he’s a little bit taken aback by how beautiful the man looks.

‘Nice to meet you. We were trying to decide which pizzas to order.’ Josh says.

‘That’s a very important decision.’

‘I know, right?’ Josh answers with a smile before sitting back on the couch. ‘Mark here was trying to make me a list of all the good reasons why we should order a Hawaiian pizza.’

‘Well, I’m pretty sure there are none, considering pineapple on a pizza is basically a sin.’

‘Ah! Thank you!’

Tyler lets out a small laugh and excuses himself to the bathroom, letting them continue the negotiations. He first takes off his coat and his shoes before making his way to the toilets. He has to admit Josh seems like a nice guy and he would be lying if he says he doesn’t want to know more about him. Because he does, but he’s just not sure to have enough energy to engage a real conversation with a stranger right now. Once again, Mark seems to have taken the decision without him because when Tyler gets back to the living-room, his friend is nowhere to be seen.

‘Where is Mark?’

‘Just getting things ready in the kitchen.’ Josh answers, and Tyler only nods, taking a seat on the couch, making sure to be a few feet away from the other man. ‘So, you’re the writer, right?’ Josh eventually asks after a few seconds.

‘Yeah.’

‘Anything I should have heard of?’

‘Huh, well, I… I don’t really know. Are you a big reader?’

‘Not really. I mean I like reading but it’s not often that I take the time to do so.’ Josh answers. ‘Mark told me you were quite big.’

‘Well, he’s… He’s always overselling my books, to be honest.’ Tyler contradicts him. ‘But I guess I like to think that people like my writing.’

‘What are you writing about?’

‘It’s mostly fictions. For kids, and for adults, too, sometimes. I also wrote a few non-fiction books about mental health.’

‘Really? That seems interesting. You should lend me one of your books sometimes.’

‘Well, Mark has them all so… feel free to borrow one of his, I guess.’ Tyler says, pointing out the shelf.

‘Which one would you recommend to read first?’ Josh asks, once stood up.

‘Isle of flightless birds!’ Mark suddenly says, leaving the kitchen. ‘This book is a masterpiece, it will blow your mind.’

‘Don’t listen to him.’ Tyler adds, smiling. ‘He’s my friend, he’s not being objective.’

‘I’m pretty sure he is.’ Josh contradicts him, taking the said book in his hands and reading the summary. ‘Alright, I’m taking it with me.’

‘And what are you doing for a living?’ Tyler asks, trying to change the topic of the conversation. He’s never been a fan of being the center of attention, and it can be a bit of a problem considering he’s a worldwide well-known writer.

‘Oh, I’m a drum teacher.’

‘Really?’ Tyler says. ‘That’s awesome.’

The conversation goes on during the whole evening. Tyler learns a bit more about Josh’s enthusiasm for cats and aliens conspiracies and he laughs a lot, too. It turns out that besides being kind and having a good physique, Josh is also the funniest guy Tyler has ever met. He’s so deeply concentrated and focused on what Josh is saying that he finds himself almost forgetting about Mark’s presence. Not that this one minds; Tyler is pretty sure this one tries to withdraw himself from the conversation on purpose.

He only comes back to his senses a few hours later, when he realizes that he and Josh spent the entire evening talking, without watching any episodes of series. Josh seems to have the same thought because a few seconds later, this one looks up at him, giving him a small smile and Tyler suddenly feels weak at the knees.

‘Well I don’t want to be a mood killer but it’s already past midnight and I have to work tomorrow, so...’ Mark starts.

‘Don’t worry about it, man, I’ll go.’ Josh says. ‘Tyler? Do you want a ride home?’

‘Oh no, don’t bother, it’s just a ten minutes walk.’

‘It’s really no bother. It’s cold, come on, I’m driving you home.’ Josh insists and Tyler only smiles at him, nodding.

 

***

 

‘You still lives in a flat?’ Josh asks as he’s parking his car on the pavement. ‘Don’t you have enough money to buy a house or something?’

‘I do. But it just doesn’t feel right, you know? And it’s not that I need it, anyway. I live alone and I don’t think I would really like owning such a huge space.’

‘I guess it makes sense.’

Tyler unfastens his seat-belt and slowly looks up at Josh with an anxious expression. He certainly doesn’t want this moment to stop but he’s scared he would pass off as some creepy guy if he asks him to stay for a while. But then Mark’s words play in his head and he still decides to go for it.

‘Do you… Do you want to hang out for a little longer?’ He asks, and Josh’s smile only gets bigger.

‘As tempting as it is, I… I have to get up at 7 tomorrow to drive my sister to the airport, so...’

‘Oh.’ Tyler only answers. ‘Yeah, I… I’m sorry for even asking you this, I mean, I...’

‘Hey no.’ Josh cuts him off while placing one of his hand on his left knee. ‘This is not some fake excuse to try and get away from you. I really do have to get up early. But I’ve had a great time and you should definitely text me, sometimes, in the near future. Alright?’ Josh asks, before writing his number on a piece of paper and handing it to him.

‘Alright.’ Tyler says, smiling. ‘I will.’ He adds, getting off the car.

‘Sweet!’

‘Well good night, then. It was really nice to meet you.’

‘Have a good night, Tyler.’

 

***

 

Tyler is seated at his desk. His computer is open and so is the word document of his new book. He hasn’t even written a single more word since that phone call he had with Mark. This one advised him to take a break from writing for a while and Tyler had followed Mark’s idea to the letter, meaning he is now two weeks more behind the deadline.

But this time isn’t any different. Tyler has been looking for his screen for more than two hours now. His mind is blank, and it almost feels like he lost the ability to write. Nothing seems to do the job and he knows perfectly well that he’s not in the right mood to write anyway. He tries to focus but everything is distracting him. It can be his cellphone, the noise his fridge is making, the shouts he can hear from the streets, or even a small crack on the wall of his flat. Everything is a distraction and he slowly loses interest in his on-going book. Luckily for him, his cellphone soon warns him of a new message and Tyler can’t help but to smile a little bit when he sees that this one comes from Josh.

They talked a little bit since they hanged out at Mark’s place but Tyler was too nervous to ask him out and was patiently waiting for Josh to make the first move.

‘ _Are you home?’_ The message only says.

‘ _Yeah. I am.’_

‘ _Good. Cause I’m right behind your door.’_

Tyler frowns at the message but it only takes a few seconds for his mind the process the information and he’s suddenly panicking, because he’s only wearing an old jogging and a tee-shirt with holes in it and hasn’t showered in two days. It surely isn’t how he imagined seeing Josh for the second time. This one is now knocking at his door and Tyler looks at himself for a few seconds before letting a small sigh and getting up to open the door.

‘Huh… Hi.’ Tyler says, smiling. ‘I’m sorry for…’ He adds, gesturing at himself. ‘I wasn’t expecting anyone.’

‘Is this a bad time? I wanted to surprise you with Taco Bell takeaway but I can-’

‘Oh no, please, stay.’ Tyler says, opening the door wide to let Josh in. ‘Make yourself at home.’

‘Thank you.’ Josh answers, placing the food on the coffee table and taking a seat next to Tyler on the couch. ‘I didn’t know what you wanted so I took a little bit of everything.’

‘That’s… That’s very sweet of you.’ Tyler says, and starts eating.

‘You feeling okay?’ Josh asks after a while.

‘Yeah, I… It’s just this book. I’m stuck on the same chapter for more than two months and it’s… It’s frustrating.’

‘I get that.’ Josh says with a sympathetic smile. ‘Mark told me you were having some trouble to write these days.’

‘Yeah.’ Tyler only agrees. ‘It sucks.’

‘Would you like me to read it?’

‘You?’

‘Yeah. I’m already done with _Isle of Flightless Birds_ , amazing book, by the way. It’s not often that I read a book in one sitting. Maybe I can read this one and tell you what I think about it? Maybe it can help?’

‘Yeah, I… I’d like that.’ Tyler says. ‘Thank you.’ He adds. ‘I’ll send you the file.’

‘I can feel you’re worried about something else?’

‘No, it’s just that… Everyone around me has different expectations and I… I don’t know what to do about it, you know? Sometimes I feel like I’m the one blocking myself cause I’m afraid no one would like it.’

‘You shouldn’t care of what people expect you to do.’

‘Yeah I know, but…’

‘You told me you were seeing the act of writing as a way to heal, right?’

‘I-I did.’

‘Then keep that in mind. Keep that in mind the next time you try to write something. Don’t write something because you feel like it will meet people’s expectations. Write it because you know it can help you.’

‘You’re amazing.’ Tyler lets himself say a few seconds later and Josh only looks up at him with a large smile, making his eyes wrinkled a bit.

‘I know.’ He only answers and Tyler laughs.

For a moment, neither of them say or do anything, they’re only staring at each other and Josh looks at him with an expression Tyler can’t quite decipher. That, until Josh leans over and places his lips against his. It takes him a few seconds to realize that someone is currently kissing him but he eventually comes to his senses and starts kissing him back.

‘I… I wasn’t expecting that.’ Tyler says after a few seconds.

‘Really?’ Josh answers, surprised. ‘I thought we’ve made it clear that we liked each other.’

‘Well yeah, but… You’re way too good for me.’

‘Excuse me, _I_ am way too good for _you_?’

‘You totally are!’ Tyler says with a smile, and he’s about to add something but warm lips prevent him from doing so. They’re kissing for a while until Tyler eventually finds himself lying on his back with Josh on top of him. The kiss slowly turns into something more heated and Tyler suddenly feels very self-conscious about his body, which Josh seems to notice cause this one instantly stops what he’s doing to give him a puzzled look.

‘I… I haven’t done anything like this for a long time. My ex was a complete asshole and I guess I just… I’m just a bit self-conscious.’

‘Do you want to stop?’

‘God, no.’ Tyler says, almost desperately which makes Josh laugh.

‘Well, maybe we should move this to your bedroom.’ He says. ‘What do you say?’

‘Yeah.’ Tyler only answers. ‘You’re right.’

 

***

 

Tyler opens his eyes the next morning and Josh is already looking at him with a small smile.

‘Good morning.’

‘Mornin’ Tyler says with a sleepy voice, huddling against Josh’s body. He speaks again a few seconds later: ‘Do you know the real reason why Mark presented us to each other?’

‘Huh?’

‘I was having this terrible writer’s block, you know… And I talked to Mark about it cause he always has great advice… Well, he usually has.’

‘What was his advice, that time?’

‘He told me to get laid.’ Tyler answers and Josh bursts out laughing.

‘So I’m only a way for you to get over a writer’s block?’

‘No!’ Tyler instantly answers. ‘God, no, I’m sorry, I… It’s really not like th-’

‘Dude, chill.’ Josh says, laughing a bit more. ‘I was only joking.’ He adds. ‘Did it work?’

‘Did what work?’

‘Did getting laid cure your writer’s block? Are you feeling inspired?’

‘Well, I don’t know about that just yet.’ Tyler says, smiling. ‘I probably need more practice to decide of that.’

‘Is it your way of asking me if I’m down for a second round?’

‘It’s my way of asking you to stick around for a while.’

‘Well, my answer is yes.’ Josh answers. ‘Of course I will.’ He adds. ‘But I’m also down for some more great sex.’ He says, flipping him over so he can be on top of him. And Tyler only laughs a bit more.

 

***

 

‘You were right.’ Tyler says to Mark one morning, after a couple of weeks.

‘Right about what?’

‘I got laid several times for the past few weeks and I just wrote 100 pages in a week.’

‘I knew it!’ Mark yells over the phone. ‘I knew you two would hit it off.’ He adds. ‘Wait. You’re talking about Josh, right?’

‘I am.’ Tyler says. ‘So thank you, I guess.’

‘So when do you think you’ll be done with your book?’

‘Probably in two months or so. Can’t say for sure.’

‘Well, keep me updated.’ Mark only answers. ‘And I strongly encourage you to have sex with Josh again. Plenty of times.’

‘That’s some great advice, thanks.’ Josh suddenly says, wrapping his arms around Tyler’s shoulders from behind and burying his face into his neck. ‘You should listen to your good friend Mark, Ty.'

‘Let me hang up first, guys, please.’ Mark answers.

‘It’s not happening anyway.’ Tyler says. ‘Tonight is a writing night.’

‘He’s been writing non-stop for the past few days, Mark, I’m feeling sexually neglected.’ Josh adds, and Tyler lets out a small laugh while rereading the last paragraph he wrote.

‘Well I’m sorry Josh but there’s nothing that can distract him from writing when he’s like that.’

‘We’ll see about that, Mark. We’ll see about that.’ Josh answers, hanging up a few seconds later.

 

***

 

 

_Eight months later._

 

‘ _For Josh._

_This book probably wouldn’t be in your hands if it wasn’t for him.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was having this terrible writer's block so I decided to write about a writer having a writer's block. It helped. I'm seeing Twenty One Pilots in 72 days and I'm pretty sure I could cry just thinking about it. 
> 
> Also, the title comes from the DBMK's song cause I just like this band a lot. 
> 
> Hope you liked it.
> 
> You can talk to me on Twitter (same username) or Tumblr (living-in-cages).


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wanted a sequel. Here is one. Honestly right now it's one of the writing I'm the most proud of. But maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow. I really hope you'll like it.  
> 

There are two things Tyler hates about being a famous writer. The first one is the celebrity. He doesn’t hate it, per se, but for someone who sometimes has very bad anxiety, the downsides of it can be a real bother. Being recognized on the streets, the lack of privacy, getting his pictures taken without his authorization… All of it can be a bit too much sometimes. But he doesn’t really complain. He’s pretty sure being a famous writer is way more bearable than being a famous musician, a famous singer or a famous actor. Because contrary to this kind of career, people don’t necessarily care about what he looks like. They know his books, not his face. He doesn’t have to perform in front of thousands of people every single night, he doesn’t have to participate in many award ceremonies, or movie premieres. He just needs to write books. And he can write books in the comfort of his living-room.

That’s the first thing he doesn’t really like about being a famous writer. The second one is the interviews. The interviews, the podcasts, in short everything that resembles answering questions or having a real conversation with people he barely knows. Especially journalists. Don’t get him wrong, he has nothing against journalists. He even used to want to be one when he was a kid. But there’s a reason he chose to write books instead. There’s a reason he chose to be a writer. He doesn’t like holding conversations with strangers. Or rather he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to do so. Especially when there are cameras around.Talking with someone for what will be a written interview is alright. But there’s something about being seen while talking, there’s something about doing an interview being broadcast live that terrifies him to no end.

He likes writing. Because he can take all the time he wants to decide what he wants to say, to decide how he wants to say it. In interviews, live interviews especially, he doesn’t have the luxury to do so. In live interviews, he has to be spontaneous, he has to act on impulse, but words don’t come as easily as when he’s seated in front of his computer. Live interviews remind him of oral presentations he had to do when he was a kid, in high-school. He was always terrible at them. Of course it did get better along the years. Now Tyler knows how his mind works, how his body functions, he became better at hiding it, at hiding the signs that would betray his anxiety.

But today he feels like he can’t. Today, he feels like his whole body is paralyzed by anxiety. His new book ‘Trench’ came out a few months ago and a film adaptation is already being planned by a director Tyler doesn’t even remember the name of. Trench has been a huge success all over the world and is now being translated in dozens of languages and Tyler wasn’t ready to face that much attention. He was already famous before, with his first bestseller ‘Isle of flightless birds’ but he feels like he has reached another milestone with this new book. Not that he’s complaining. He’s not. Getting recognition for the books he writes was his biggest dream back when he was a kid and he still doesn’t quite comprehend how he got there in the first place.

The amount of messages, letters, and praise he received for this new book is overwhelming and Tyler loves that so many people can identify with the main character of ‘Trench’, he loves that so many people can feel like they belong within a world he himself created. But it’s just a bit hard for him to accept how quickly thousands of people already consider his new book to be ‘a true masterpiece’ or a ‘triumph’. _Trench_ has brought a complete change in his lifestyle and the amount of interviews and press conferences only leaves him more anxious than ever. His schedule has become hectic and Tyler feels like he never ever sees his own boyfriend anymore.

A few weeks ago, he was coming back from a book-signing tour in the United Kingdom and when he finally thought he was free from all these obligations, a call from his manager announcing more interviews and even more book signings was enough to reduce all his hopes to nothing.

He’s not far from home right now. It’s only a one hour drive from the flat he now shares with Josh but today one hour is enough for his body to become tense. He already feels his throat tightening, making it harder for him to breathe, his hands are shaking and Tyler is pretty sure that if he goes on biting his lower lip for a few more seconds, it will start bleeding.

‘Hey! You’re ready? You can come in anytime you want.’ A voice says and Tyler jumps with surprise, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach.

‘I can’t do it.’ He says without really thinking.

‘What?’ The voice answers and Tyler quickly looks up at him with tears in his eyes.

‘I just… I can’t do it. I’m sorry.’ He repeats a second time. He runs both of his hands through his hair a few times and lets himself slide against the wall, bringing his knees to his chest. He tries to breathe but he almost feels like a hand is pressed against his neck, suffocating him. Tears start rolling down his cheeks and he hates himself for being so vulnerable in front of someone he barely knows. The man keeps talking but it only makes it worse. There’s too much noise. Tyler can hear this man talking, he can hear the cars passing by on the big avenue located right next to the shop, he can hear the sudden hubbub in the bookstore. Suddenly, it all becomes too much and Tyler gets up and starts running towards the staff entrance.

‘Dude! Dude, come on you can just cancel!’ The stranger exclaims but Tyler chooses to ignore him and gets out of the store without looking back. He takes a few steps until he finds himself in an empty street and starts dialing Josh’s number.

‘Hey sweetheart.’ His boyfriend says a few seconds later, and Tyler finally feels like he can breathe again. ‘You’re not supposed to be at a signing session or something?’

‘I… I am.’ Tyler answers with a fragile voice and he knows he doesn’t need to say more for Josh to know something is wrong.

‘Tyler? Are you okay?’ He asks.

‘I… I ran away.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I ran away. From the store. The guy told me they were ready but I… I ran away.’ He repeats, his voice shaking a bit more than a few seconds ago. ‘Oh god, what the fuck am I doing?’ He adds. ‘Josh, what the fuck am I doing?’

‘Hey hey hey.’ Josh instantly says. ‘Tyler, where are you right now?’

‘I don’t… I don’t know… I’m not far, I just… I couldn’t breathe Josh. I couldn’t breathe and I could see him looking at me and I… It was too much. I can’t do this. This book, it’s… It’s too much.’

‘Okay Tyler I want you to listen to me alright? Can you do that?’

‘Y-yeah.’ He says, with tears in his eyes. ‘Y-yeah. Okay.’

‘Alright. You’re going to take a few seconds to breathe, to calm yourself down a bit. You can walk if you want, try to clear your head a bit. You’re going to take a few minutes to remember all these interviews you already did, all the book-signings you already attended. And then you’re going to remember how proud it made you feel, how rewarding it was to hear all these people talk about how your book helped them in their everyday-life. You’re going to think about all of it and then you’re going to get back in there.’

‘I can’t I can’t I-’

‘And then you’re going to _get back in there_.’ Josh says. ‘And you’re going to kill it. Because you always do. I know this for a fact. Tyler, I followed you in enough interviews and book-signings to assure you that you’re doing a damn good job every single time. You’re so inspiring. For so many people. Your words always make so much sense to me, to them, and even if you stutter sometimes, even if your voice shakes a bit, it doesn’t make you any less believable. Quite the contrary. Tyler, you’re making it clear that your books are a refection of your insecurities, of your mental health, nobody expects you to be in great shape every day, okay? It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to feel nervous. And I want you to remember that what you’re doing… Putting yourself out there, doing interviews and book-signing… Takes a strength that only a few people can understand. Tyler, you’re the bravest person I know and you’re going to rock this, alright?’

‘Al-alright.’ Tyler says, a bit calmer. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘You have nothing to be sorry for.’

‘I just… I feel drained.’

‘I know. And I’m going to call Jim to cancel your interview in this TV news programme, alright?’

‘He… He’s going to get mad.’

‘I don’t fucking care if he gets mad, Tyler, okay? You told him you weren’t feeling up for so many interviews and as much as I like the guy, he took it too far this time. I’m calling him and I’m canceling it, alright?’

‘Alright.’ Tyler only says, relieved. ‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome. Now get back in there, okay?’

‘Okay.’ Tyler answers, his voice much more determined. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too. Everything’s going to be just fine.’

Tyler hangs up and takes a deep breathe before turning around and going back in the book-store. The owner of the shop instantly looks up at him when this one enters the room and a huge smile makes it to his face.

‘I’m sorry.’ Tyler says. ‘I just… I just needed to take some fresh air.’

‘Completely understandable, man. Don’t worry about it, alright? I’m sorry I reacted that way. It was out of line.’

Tyler flashes a small smile and closes his eyes for a few seconds, trying to remember the sound of Josh’s voice in his head, before taking a few steps in the main room, smiling a bit when everyone starts clapping. He waves at them and sits down next to the organizer of the event who starts talking.

‘Good morning, Tyler.’ She says. ‘How are you doing, today?’

‘Hum… Honestly? Not great. I’m feeling a bit nervous so go easy on me, would you?’ He says to the audience, earning a few laughs from some people in the room.

‘So Tyler. We’re here to talk about your new book ‘Trench’ which follows the story of a character called Clancy who is basically trapped in this… In this dystopian society called ‘Dema’. A walled city, ruled by nine totalitarian bishops, presided over by this Nicolas Bourbaki who… Stop me if I’m wrong, is basically the head of this oppressive and tyrannical regime.’

‘Oh he definitely is.’ Tyler agrees.

‘First of all. I wanted to say how much I and everyone working in this book-shop loved reading this book. I like how you keep us in suspense throughout the chapters… Without ever making it clear if Clancy will ever find a way outside these walls. You like playing with our emotions, don’t you?’

‘Oh well… A bit of suspense never really killed anyone, right?’ Tyler says, smiling.

‘Would you like to tell us a bit more about this book? Is there something you want to add?’

‘Hum… Well, really what’s interesting is Clancy’s internal battle, you know? What I mean is… He basically lived in this oppressive regime his whole life. He’s been _raised_ by these bishops and so when he starts… When he starts doubting this world, when he starts putting everything this world represents into question, he’s torn between this belief… The belief that he does belong there, as painful as it may be and the… The hope that there is something more out there, waiting to be found.’

‘Would you go as far as to say that he trusts these bishops in a way?’

‘Oh he does. And that’s the worst part, maybe. He has put all his faith into them, into this bishop in particular. You could almost say that Nico is a father figure to him. And that’s why he’s drawn to both staying in this city with the man he learned to trust over the years or to… To try and leave Dema. To join this rebel group.’

‘The banditos.’

‘Yeah.’

‘What strikes me is the way… The way his state of mind radically changed once he’s made it out of the city the first time. Would you say that seeing this world outside Dema makes him loose all the faith he put on Nico?’

‘Well he… It definitely does something to him. I wouldn’t say he looses it completely but as the pages go by, you can see he’s more and more… Confused. To whether this city is good for him. And little by little, I guess his faith, his sense of home, just shifts of focus, and also grows a lot stronger as he’s discovering this world he never knew existed in the first place. ’

‘There are a bunch of letter in this book… That Clancy writes down in his journal. Are these letters addressed to anyone in particular?’

‘Oh well I… I think they’re just addressed to himself, you know. Like a personal diary. And in a way, they’re also addressed to the readers. To help them be aware of what Clancy truly thinks.’

She asks a couple more questions and Tyler feels more and more relieved. He can see she takes it very seriously and that she’s actually interested by every single word he’s saying. It does change from a few other interviews Tyler had to face in the past few days and he’s glad to see that she seemed to have really thought of this book a lot before coming here. Soon enough, it’s time for the fans’ questions and as excited as Tyler is, he’s also terrified. His fans always takes it too far and makes theories on their own and it is captivating but also a bit scary at times. Tyler scans the audience and smiles at a young boy in the first row and waves at him to speak. The boy stands up and Tyler only smiles a bit more when this one takes the microphone with a shaking hand.

‘First of all I just wanted to say that I… I’m a huge fan. I’ve read all your works but Trench… Trench is something special. I’ve never read something quite like this before and I… You did such a great job again.’

‘Thank you man.’ Tyler only says.

‘And… Well my question is… A lot of people think… Me included, that this book is basically a huge metaphor and a way for you to explore themes like…like anxiety, depression, loneliness and… And suicide, even. I mean… I’ve read your books about mental health and… It would make sense. What do you have to say about it? If you don’t mind me asking, of course.’

‘No, don’t worry, that’s actually a great question. A tough one, too.’ Tyler says, smiling. ‘But you’re completely right. You guys know how every single one of my book is a way for me to… To reflect on this kind of things. The several attempts Clancy does to leave the city throughout the book could be… It could represent a sort of ‘escape plan’ from this crippling depression represented by Dema.’

‘It could?’

‘It could mean everything you want.’ Tyler says. ‘What I like about this book is that it’s open to interpretations. And I want it to stay that way.’

‘Thank you’. The guy says, before sitting down. Tyler smiles at him and gives another person a chance to speak.

‘You’ve said several times during previous interviews that you took so much more time than you had planned… in order to write this book. I just wanted to know why?’

‘Oh well I had to face the biggest writer’s block of my life, that’s just it.’ Tyler answers and laughter echo through the room.

‘And how did you manage to get out of this writer’s block?’

‘Well… As cheesy as it sounds…. I actually met someone.’

‘Your boyfriend?’ Someone interjected.

‘That would be correct.’ Tyler says with a smile. His love life with Josh is not a secret and he doesn’t really mind talking about it in interviews and book-signings. He is pretty sure he could talk about his boyfriend for a few hours without getting bored. ‘Can I talk about him for a while?’ He asks, and the organizer just smiles at him while nodding.

‘It is related to Trench, I’m not going to tell you all about my love life, don’t worry’. He says, and scans the audience a second time. ‘Writing has always been a way for me to heal. If you read my first book about mental health, you just know what I’m talking about. But once you become famous, you have all these… You have all these expectations starting to take shape from everyone around you… It can be your publisher, your family, your friends, your readers… Everyone. And these expectations can be very different from one person to another. And I guess I… I was having a hard time distancing myself from all of it and… I was paying too much attention to it. And well Josh helped me realize that I was no longer writing for myself. I was writing to please other people. And in that moment, I knew I needed to see the act of writing as something cathartic again. This book really wouldn’t be in your hands if it wasn’t for him. I wasn’t kidding.’

Tyler keeps answering some questions and the conference eventually comes to an end. The organizer looks up at him gives him a small smile before speaking again.

‘Well Tyler it was very nice to hear you. I hope you’ll come back soon.’

‘I will if you let me. It was honestly the best conference I’ve done in a while so thank you.’

‘We’re very pleased to hear that. Before starting the book-signing, would you mind reading one or two pages of your book?’

‘Absolutely.’ Tyler instantly says. It has always been his favorite part of book-signings. He gets up and takes his own book in his hands, turning the pages until he finds an abstract he feels like reading.

‘I’ve made it out.’ He starts. ‘I feel weightless. I know that place had always held me down, but for the first time, I can feel the levity that I had hoped for. It’s been three nights now, and my breathing has changed – it’s slower, and more full. It’s like the air out here is actually worth taking in. I can see it back in the distance, and I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t constantly on my mind. I wish I could turn that fear off, but maybe the farther I go, the less that fear will affect me. I feel betrayed by what I assumed was home – if I ever end up back there, I won’t be able to look at it the same way. They are asleep. They’re so sure that they know the truth, and carry on throughout their day with the same meaningless tasks. They’ve forgotten to look up, and to look outward, to understand that this isn’t about ‘in there’. This is about ‘out there’. This new world surrounds me. I used to think the walls back home were massive – these green cliffs engulf me, and place me right in the middle – Trench is quite precarious at times, and it’s easy to grow weary. But it’s real, and it’s true, and I’d much rather endure reality than to mindlessly be obedient to a life that someone else created for me. I’ve obsessed about this world for so long, that it feels more like home than anything I’ve experienced. Somehow, in this vast openness, I feel more protected than ever. The landscape feels endless, and I’ve found myself walking for hours without any true evidence of getting further down. But I’ve seen plants and colors out here that I’m not sure I’ve witnessed before. There’s a beauty in the strangest places, - and the curiosity of what’s next continues to motivate me. I wonder who else is out here. If what I assumed inside is true, there’s got to be more like me. Sometimes I’ll feel a pressure, or think I see something in my periphery, only to look up and see nothing. It’s just another thing that I’m afraid of that also excites me. It all just confirms all of the things that I hoped to be true for all of this time. I am out here and I am very alive. I’m sometimes scared, but always discovering something new, and I will not stop.’

And as he lays eyes on this audience when he stops talking, he knows his boyfriend was right.

Everything’s going to be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two questions: What do you think? And would you be interested in reading more of this?
> 
> Also, I didn't write the abstract of the book, I litterally did a copy and paste of one of Clancy's letter. Just wanted to make it clear. Tyler Joseph wrote this (at least i think he's the one who did) I'm not that talented.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!

When Tyler says the last word of the abstract he chose to read, he’s surprised to see that the room fell silent. He closes his book and puts it back on the table before looking back at the audience. It only lasts a few seconds and someone eventually starts clapping until every single person does the same and Tyler only smiles shyly at them before sitting down once again next to the organizer.

‘Well Tyler, you didn’t tell us you were a great speaker.’

‘Oh I’m not. Not really. It’s just my book, you know… It makes it easier.’

‘Do you mind if I ask you one more question?’

‘No, go ahead. Please.’ Tyler only says with a smile, curious to know what she has in mind.

‘How do you feel about your book being adapted into a movie? I’ve even heard that someone was interesting to turn it into a TV-show.

‘Really?’ Tyler asks, surprised to see that she seems to know more about his own book than him. ‘I… I didn’t know about that.’

‘Is it something that you were actually thinking of while writing this book?’

‘Oh no, not at all. I just… You know. I just wrote it down cause I was feeling inspired. The story-line actually came to me in one of my dreams. I never thought it would…. I mean the perspective of seeing my story on the big screen is a bit weird to me, but it’s exciting.’

‘We’ll definitely keep up with this news.’ She says to him. ‘Alright, if you guys could form a line, that would be great, the book-signing will start in just a minute.’ She adds to the audience before turning off the microphone. ‘Are you feeling okay?’ She then asks, turning around to face Tyler.

‘Yeah I… I’m doing better. Thank you.’

‘Do you want to take a small break or do you think you can just go on with it?’

‘Oh no that’s fine. Thank you, though.’

It’s not often that the people interviewing him are as considerate and mindful as her and Tyler feels a bit ashamed of the way he reacted a few hours ago. It actually is one of the best conferences he has done in a while, but as exciting as it is for him and for his fans, he still cannot wait to be done with it and go back home. This was the last book-signing of the month and now that Josh had canceled the interview for this famous news program, it feels to him like an enormous weight has just been taken off his shoulders.

He runs one of his hand through his hair and closes his eyes for a few seconds before taking a deep breathe and looking up at the first person approaching him. It’s a young girl and Tyler can perceive her anxiety just by looking at how tight she holds his new best-seller in his hands. It makes sense that his fans all go through the same kind of things as him, considering how mental health issues is a recurrent theme in every single one of his books.

‘Hi’. The girl says with a shaky voice while handing him his own book.

‘Hey what’s your name?’ Tyler asks, giving her his best and most sincere smile.

‘Amy.’

‘Well it’s nice to meet you Amy. Did you enjoy the book?’

‘I did yeah. A lot.’ She answers, while Tyler takes the pen the organizer has given him to write a few words on the first page. ‘Can I… Hum… Can I ask you something?’

‘Of course.’

‘I was too nervous to speak up in front of everyone back then.’

‘That’s completely understandable. I’m listening.’ Tyler says.

‘Well I… I couldn’t help but notice some similarities between your character ‘Blurryface’ in _Isle of flightless birds_ and Nico in _Trench_. Was it an inspiration for you or is it a completely different character?’

‘Wow.’ Tyler only answers and stays speechless for a few seconds. He always liked to think that the bishop was a direct evolution of the character ‘Bluryface’ but he’s never really said it out loud. It was only a way for him to create a complete character. A character that made sense. And to realize someone was paying enough attention to get all the subtexts he put in his new novel is crazy, and so gratifying.

‘Maybe I got it all wrong.’ Her fan adds, getting no reaction from him.

‘No you didn’t. Not at all. Quite the contrary. You’re the first one who saw the similarities between the two characters, and I’m very glad you did because I didn’t make it obvious at all.’

‘Oh well I… I’ve read it three times already.’

‘Really?’ Tyler asks, bewildered. ‘Thank you so much.’

She waves at him one last time before taking a few steps backwards with the book in her hands and Tyler only smiles to himself and then looks up at the next person approaching him. An old man, this time. And it may be the thing he likes the most about what he can maybe call his ‘fanbase’. There’s no real average age. His books bring together all kind of people with all kind of backgrounds and in a way, Tyler is proud of himself for having created such a diverse community.

People come and go and Tyler is busy autographing and writing a few works in each book, trying to make it a bit different every time. After a while, he can recognize the boy in the front row who asked him the first question. This one seems anxious, a lot more than when he spoke up in front of all these people and for a minute, Tyler wonders what he’s supposed to do. It’s not rare for this kind of moments to happen and a part of him always feels a bit uncomfortable. He never really knows what to do, what to say, how to act. Luckily this time, the boy seems to get the hint and starts talking before Tyler has the chance to say anything.

‘I just… I wanted to apologize for earlier.’

‘For earlier?’

‘Well when I asked you the question about ‘dema’ being a metaphor for depression. I feel like I took it too far.’

‘What? Dude, no. That was one of the most interesting questions of the afternoon, are you kidding?’

‘Still. I know you want your books to always be open to interpretations and I didn’t want to force you to-’

‘You didn’t do any of that. It was a great question.’

‘Alright.’ The boy eventually says, giving him a small smile. ‘Thank you for… You know. Writing this book. And the others, too. I’ve been dealing with… I’ve been dealing with some stuff, and lately it just got pretty bad and… I don’t know. I guess I find some comfort in your words.’

‘What’s your name?’

‘Andrew.’

‘Thank you so much Andrew.’ Tyler says, placing his hand over his. ‘Whatever you’re dealing with… It can get better, okay? Hang in there.’ He adds, writing a few words inside his book before giving back to him with a reassuring smile.

Once out of his field of vision, Tyler sighs and runs both of his hands through his black hair. As often as it happens, Tyler is almost certain hearing this kind of things will never get easier for him. Because he feels responsible for them in a way and although he’s well aware he’s not, he wishes he could have an individual conversation with each of them, sometimes.

The line is getting shorter and shorter and Tyler feels like he can finally see the end of it. He loves talking to his fans, exchanging a few words with each of them but it may be the thing that drains his energy the most. He’s always been a very introverted person and spending some time alone has always been his way to recharge his battery. And he cannot remember the time he last had thirty minutes of silence, or an alone time with Josh. It feels like ages and right now Tyler feels so empty and numb he’s pretty sure he could start crying right there, in the middle of this book-shop.

He rubs his temples and slowly looks up at the last person in line, opening his eyes wide when Josh is facing him with one of his books in his hands.

‘What are you doing here?’ Tyler asks with and despite his exhaustion, a huge smile still appears on his face.

‘Can’t I get my book signed by my favorite writer?’

‘Did you just pay for it?’ Tyler asks with a smile, pointing out the copy of Trench.

‘I did.’

‘You’re unbelievable.’ Tyler adds, letting out a small laugh.

‘How are you feeling?’ Josh asks, ignoring Tyler’s previous remark.

‘Tired.’ Tyler only answers. ‘Exhausted.’ He clarifies. ‘I… It really… I just- It went well but I just… I feel really weak.’ Tyler adds. ‘I’m so glad you’re here.’

It’s been two weeks since he hasn’t seen him. And it’s been two weeks since Tyler has build himself a wall, a kind of shell, an armor, to protect himself from every little thing that makes him anxious, to help him pretend that he’s fine even when he’s not. And seeing Josh for the first time in two weeks is enough for this carapace to shatter into a million pieces. He’s never been able to hide anything from him, and he now realizes how much he worked himself to death during the past few weeks, how much he pushed himself too hard. And as Josh runs his right hand through his hair, he can feel all the tension leaving his body and he suddenly bursts into tears a second time in the middle of the book-shop. He can see a few people looking at him, but he doesn’t have the energy to care right now and he just holds Josh’s hand as tightly as he can.

‘Hey...’ Josh only says, wrapping one of his arms around his shoulders to help him stand up. ‘Come on, I’m driving you back home.’

‘I… Maybe they need help to… To clear things up and-’

‘We don’t.’ Tyler can hear the same woman he doesn’t remember the name of says. ‘You go home.’

Tyler follows Josh and holds on to him because he’s pretty sure he’ll fall on the ground otherwise. He lets him guiding him towards the car, fastening his seat-belt and closing the door after him. Tears are still rolling down his cheeks and he quickly wipes them with his hands, ignoring the worried looks Josh gives him while driving. He puts his head against the window and closes his eyes, trying to focus on Josh’s hand squeezing his thigh.

The rest of the drive is a blur. Tyler is only half-awake and he can vaguely hear Josh hums to a few songs on the radio until he falls asleep completely. When he wakes up, he’s laying down on their bed, wrapped up in their duvet, Josh by his side. He sighs and takes a look at his alarm clock, only cuddling up to him a bit more when he sees that it is only nine in the afternoon.

‘Hey.’ He only says, hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

‘Hi.’ Josh answers, kissing him on the forehead. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Tired.’ Tyler only says, because he cannot think of another word to describe his state.

‘I canceled your interview.’ Josh tells him, running his hand through his black hair a few times. ‘It’s over now, alright? You can rest.’

‘I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.’ Tyler says, closing his eyes.

“What are you talking about?’

‘I’m sorry you have to deal with my bad temper and my mood swings and my weird feelings and-’

‘Hey.’ Josh cuts him off, placing his hand on his chin to make him look up at him. ‘Stop talking nonsense, alright? You’re also putting up with my angry outbursts and my weird obsessions.’

‘Still. You’re so much more easy-going than me.’

‘That’s not true.’ Josh instantly contradicts him. ‘Tyler, I’ve been worried about you.’ He adds, bringing him a bit closer and placing his hand on his cheek. ‘You’ve been killing yourself with all these interviews and book-signings and I wish you could understand that it’s okay to say no and to take a break sometimes.’

‘I know.’ Tyler says. ‘I know I… I took it too far and I… I’ve been such a shitty boyfriend to you for this past few weeks.’

‘You weren’t. Not really.’ Josh says but Tyler can hear that his voice is not as determined as a few seconds ago.

‘But I was.’ He repeats. ‘Josh, I was.’ He adds. ‘I was only thinking of these interviews, of how much stressed and anxious it made me. I was so focused on myself that I haven’t… I haven’t taken the time to call you, to text you, to see how you were doing. And I’m sorry.’

‘You were busy. It’s alright.’ Josh only answers. ‘But thank you for… Thanks for admitting that, I guess.’

‘My schedule was hectic but… It’s not an excuse. I’m free now, though. I’m sorry I acted like a selfish prick and I’ll pay more attention to you from now on.’

‘Promise?’

‘Promise.’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kinda feeling the worst I've ever felt in a long time lately and writing this helps me take my mind off things and clear my head a bit. I hope you liked this.


End file.
